I'm so sad...I'm so angry...I'm so shy...
My big decision as a full time mom after delivered Fritz brings me to face this reality.
As a mom, I want to take care my beloved child by my own hands. I want to be the first one who know his development. I want to be with him in every single path he faces. I want to be the first person that he's looking for. I want to everything for him. Am I sounding protective one??
As the consequences of these, I have to release what I did before. First, of course, my job. Then, my career as teacher. And, absolutely, it's influence a lot on our financial.
I dare to take this risk cause I don't want my boy to be with others, especially nannies or maids. I'm the one who carried him for 9 months in my womb. I'm the one who delivered him fighting with my fear. Why should I give him to others to take care of him???
Since he was born, so many lucky things happen in my life. The most of all, I don't have to buy tin milk for him, I depend on my breast milk till now as it's so expensive for each tin. And thanks to God, HE is so kind to let my breast gives milk for him. For me breast milk is the best one, for him and also for our financial.
I really can't believe on nannies and maids as many bad records of their works. Hitting, pinching, slapping, kidnapping, not taking care neatly, carefully, nicely, patiently, and so on...how can I believe on them?
For me a child is the most special one that God gives to parents that they HAVE to take care, educate and responsible of him. Am I wrong??
The one that I'm so sad, angry and shy is money. Honestly, we really can't afford much money for ours. This one is the result of my decision. We lack of money. We can't afford to buy things we need.
I'm so sad when I see my boy wants to have something as others have but I don't have any in my hands. I'm so sad when I see toys, clothes, books, food that actually I can buy for him if I produce money but I can't make it for him.
Like today, when I saw him bring Cars Lego in one store in one high class mall here and there, I was so sad. Why do it cost so high?? I can't afford to buy it!! The discount that the store gave also didn't make me could buy it for him. I really wanna cry when I saw him hold the toys and said with loud voice "Cars...cars...cars..." and asked me to see what he hold!
I'm so angry to my destiny. Why....why...why???
Without money means we couldn't buy the gadgets, have fun with fellas or do something fun for ourselves. Believe it or not, most of our friends are going away...really away from us. We can't catch up the information between us and them.It's just like living in the jungle where there's no link to the outside.
The booming gadget is smart phones. Most of our friends are using it and they can do chit chat or send message between them through it. They have their own group in it. We as the one who don't have it, we don't know any info from them. When we see each other, we are such a latest person who know that the world is round.
One time, they arranged an occasion. They wanted to gather in one mall. They made an appointment through smart phones and they didn't tell us the info. We just knew when it had done already from one of our friends when I had chatted with her.
So many things that we didn't know bout our friends' things. And it made me so angry and upset too. Isn't it bad? Isn't the technology killing the people who can't afford for those??
And why do I so embarrassing?
Who's not?
When we go to the high class mall, mostly they wore the cool things on them. Gadgets, bags, cars, clothes...very expensive!
How bout we?
Just wear that we can wear..just eat that we can eat...not buy anything, just walk to get the atmosphere...
Those are the reality I have to face when I go out from my den. When I saw the big world, I felt so small. I felt I don't have anything. And yes, I don't have it!
We're talking bout the material, the things, the city that people are so consumptive.
They try to have the great gadgets on them. {Mostly they do the 0% for 12 months debt}
They wear the expensive tag price. {Some of them paid it with the credit cards and they just paid the minimum taxes}
They drive the luxurious cars. {Maybe it's just their officially car from their companies}
They eat in the savory restaurant. {facilitates from credit card promo ones}
They go the high class mall. {most the rich people do as they don't have to do at home}
All the things are just for show off to show that they are able to have it. Or they have to work so hard to get all of those, 5 days in a week from dawn {if they're not getting late because of traffic jam} to lately night {to avoid from traffic jam}. So no wonder if they do all those things...
This city is making its people to work hard for lifestyle. The price is so competitive. The mall is so many. And the people are busy to catch up those.
It's really sounding so pessimistic of me. Yes, I felt like that when I have to face the worldly things. It seems like I'm the one who out from the systems in this city. I'm not cool anymore. I don't have the newest gadgets. I can't afford those. I'm not so chic anymore. I don't know the new trend in fashion. I couldn't eat in the tasty restaurant cause I prefer not to waste the money on it. I'm not so interactive anymore cause I'd never socialized with others. I'm not "me" anymore for the last 2 years...
That's thought when I felt so down.
I'm trying to change my mindset of life. I'm happy for the gifts I have. I don't need to shy or embarrass when I go to the mall, cause everyone has their own right to wear what they like. If I can't buy the things for Fritz, I believe I don't need to buy the expensive ones. I can make it or maybe I can get in the market with lower price from the mall. I don't need to waste my money on restaurant as it has lots of fats. I can make my own food which is cheaper, clean and healthy for our future investment. If we die, we're not bringing all the things we have in this world.
Without those things, we're not dying. We're just trying to live as HE wants to. Just surrender to HIM and lets HIM do the rest. Always keep in faith that the life is like a wheel. One day, I believe, the wheel of us is going up. Praying and doing the best things.
Man is coming from dust and he becomes dust when he's dying....so why should we wear the expensive dress????
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